Vagrant Story Picture Show
by Ellcrys
Summary: I would like, if I may... to take you on a strange journey. A journey in which nearly everyone is dancing, singing, and wearing women's underwear. A journey that Ashley and Callo were going to remember... for a very long time.
1. Scene One - Stay Close, Merlose

(Music starts, and two large FMV lips appear onscreen and begin to sing.) 

**Müllenkamp:**    Dark knight Garland was fun     In Final Fantasy one     Though he swore he'd knock us down     Terra Branford was there     With her green-colored hair     To fight FF6's clown     And then something went down     In Cloud Strife's hometown     And Sephiroth walked through the flame     Squall found his mate     In Final Fantasy Eight     They were the only ones you could rename! 

(Lips freeze as the credits begin, and read as follows:) 

**Vagrant Story Picture Show**

Starring   
ASHLEY RIOT (a riskbreaker)   
CALLO MERLOSE (an inquisitor)   
SYDNEY LOSSTAROT (a freaky cult leader)   
JOHN HARDIN (a lackey)   
ROMEO GUILDENSTERN (a knight)   
SAMANTHA (a pawn)   
TIEGER (a general)   
NEESA (another general)   
JAN ROSENCRANTZ (a fruity loser)   
DUKE BARDORBA (an old dude) 

**Chorus:**    Bad fanfiction RP-gaming     Solemn stories we'll be shaming     See zombies dancing with Ash and Callo     And Sydney acting really shallow     Oh oh oh oh oh     In this Squaresoft bad fanfiction picture show! 

(Credits end and Müllenkamp begins to sing once more.) 

**Müllenkamp:**    I knew Lucca and Robo     Would bring back ol' Crono     With the Trigger that Gaspar gave     But I felt really screwed     When the hero got stewed     By SoM's goblin knaves     Young Ramza and friends     May have died in the end     While Delita ascended the throne     And in FF4     The final boss was a bore     With a plot twist that made us all groan     Like this... 

**Chorus:**    Bad fanfiction RP-gaming     Solemn stories we'll be shaming     See zombies dancing with Ash and Callo     And Sydney acting really shallow     Oh oh oh oh oh     In this Squaresoft bad fanfiction picture show!     Don't wanna know     Oh oh oh     What caused the Squaresoft bad fanfiction picture show!     It's gonna blow     Oh oh oh     It's the Squaresoft bad fanfiction picture show!     Please make it go     Oh oh oh     Stop the Squaresoft bad fanfiction picture show! 

**4:27 AM - Outside Duke Bardorba's Manor**

(The camera pans down over the manor, which is burning. Dozens of people, Ashley and Callo among them, are lined up, passing buckets of water down the lines from the wells to douse the blaze.) 

**Callo:** So you say Sydney crashed through a window on the upper stories to get away? 

**Ashley:** Aye, he did. They've found no trace of his body on the ground below, nor any of his followers. It seems the Crimson Blades have all vanished as well, and I suspect Guildenstern has taken them to Leá Monde in pursuit. 

**Callo:** Hmm... For any other, I would say it was impossible, but for Sydney? We've been unable as of yet to determine the limits of his strange powers. It may well be possible for him to have escaped to Leá Monde unharmed. 

**Ashley:** True. If he was able to summon a wyvern... 

**Callo:** A wyvern!? 

(In her surprise, she misses the bucket of water being passed to her, and it spills all over the ground.) 

**Ashley:** Pay attention to what you're doing. 

**Callo:** I apologize... So what shall we do now? 

(music starts) 

**Ashley:** ...Inquisitor. 

**Callo:** Yes, Agent Riot? 

**Ashley:** I have something to say. 

**Callo:** Yes...? 

**Ashley:** (sarcastic) I really love the... clumsy way... you dropped the bucket... for the third time today. 

**Callo:** (embarrassed) Agent Riot... 

(Ashley begins to sing, with the other firefighters as a rather bored-sounding backup.) 

**Ashley:**     As a Riskbreaker, I fly solo (Callo.)     Now to Leá Monde, I must go (Callo.)     Since you're my partner, you should know (Callo.)     I've one thing to say, and that's stay close, Merlose, I doubt you. 

    There may be a battle where we go (Callo.)     But you and your research, you don't know (Callo.)     How to use swords, nor a crossbow (Callo.)     I've one thing to say, and that's stay close, Merlose, I doubt you. 

(Callo begins to look ticked off, as Ashley holds out a dagger, offering it to her.) 

**Ashley:**    Here's a knife to show you I'm not kidding     I'm surprised you know which end to take 

(Callo grabs the knife out of his hand angrily, but accidentally pricks herself and drops it.) 

**Ashley:**    So come along but do my bidding     Oh, C-A-L-L-O, make no mistake 

(Callo angrily stalks away from Ashley, but he follows.) 

**Callo:**    How dare you say such a thing to me? (Ashley.)     I may be no fighter, but trust me (Ashley.)     We're partners, and must work discreetly (Ashley.)     I've one thing to say, and that's Riot, be quiet, or I'll hurt you. 

(She turns back to him, irritated that he keeps following her.) 

**Callo:**    Oh Riot... 

**Ashley:**    Just stay close... 

**Callo:**    Be quiet... 

**Ashley:**    Oh Merlose... 

**Callo:**    Please do. 

**Ashley:**    If you will too. 

**Callo & Ashley:**    There's one thing left to do... 

**Ashley:**    And that's go to the city right pronto (Callo.)     This Losstarot man we must follow (Callo.)     It can't wait till tonight or tomorrow (Callo.)     Now I've one thing to say, and that's stay close, Merlose, I doubt you.     Stay close, Merlose. 

**Callo:**    Riot, be quiet. 

**Ashley:**    Stay close, Merlose. 

(The two of them stare at each other dubiously.) 

**Callo & Ashley:**    I doubt you! 


	2. Scene Two - Here Within the Mullenkamp B...

**11:42 AM - Duke Bardorba's Secondary Residence - Graylands**

(Duke Bardorba stands in his study, speaking to the audience.) 

**Duke Bardorba:** I would like to take you, if I may, on a strange journey. 

**Random audience members:** He's got no nose! 

**Duke:** What? I most certainly do have a nose - you must be mistaking me for one of the characters Akihiko Yoshida designed for Final Fantasy Tactics. ...At any rate... 

(The Duke takes a book off the bookshelf behind him, and opens it, flipping through a few pages, revealing pictures of Ashley and Callo fighting the fire. He finally settles on one closeup picture of Ashley.) 

**Duke:** It seemed to be a fairly ordinary day when Ashley Riot... 

(He turns another page, showing a closeup picture of Callo.) 

**Duke:** ...and Callo Merlose set out towards the ruined city of Leá Monde, in search of one Sydney Losstarot... 

(He turns another page to show a picture of Sydney.) 

**Duke:** ...the leader of the Müllenkamp cult which had beseiged my manor early that morning and abducted my son... 

(He turns another page to reveal a picture of Joshua.) 

**Duke:** ...the aptly named Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Fic. 

**Random audience member:** Wrong movie parody, moron! 

**Duke:** It's true there had been many reports of strange happenings in the area. It's true, also, that they found the bodies of both the VKP's men and of the Crimson Blades - the Cardinal's knights - at the stairway leading down into the wine cellar, the only entrance to the once-great city- 

**Random audience members:** Booooring! 

**Duke:** Ahem! Anyhow, Agent Merlose had been investigating the Müllenkamp sect for quite some time, and Agent Riot was an experienced Riskbreaker who had beaten the slim odds of survival on many a mission in the past. They weren't going to let a few mysterious deaths scare them away, were they? On a difficult mission... a mission they were going to remember... for a very long time. 

**11:42 AM - Wine Cellar of Leá Monde**

(Ashley and Callo are walking through the Wine Cellar entrance, which is littered with corpses.) 

**Callo:** This is the third body we've seen so far. Perhaps our superiors should be more cautious with our men. 

**Ashley:** Yes, Inquisitor - life's pretty cheap to that type. 

**Callo:** (pauses) Did I just hear voices crying out? 

**Ashley:** Just your imagination. 

**Callo:** Some say that in Leá Monde, the dead do not stay dead. 

**Ashley:** We'll find out, I suppose. 

**Callo:** Hmm. You don't seem concerned. 

**Ashley:** I'm not. The mission is to infiltrate Leá Monde and find Sydney, not speculate on what else may be inside. You stay here, and I'll go check it out. 

(Ashley opens the portcullis, and starts to go inside.) 

**Callo:** Oh no, I'm coming with you. 

**Ashley:** No you're not. As an untrained fighter, you'd only be a liability. 

**Callo:** I'm coming with you! I've heard many strange things about this city, and I want to see it with my own eyes. 

**Ashley:** (sigh) If you must. 

(Callo and Ashley enter Leá Monde, slowly making their way through the coffins and wine casks. The music starts as they enter one room and come upon a man slumped down against the wall.) 

**Dying man:** Help... me... 

(The man's head drops, and Ashley kneels beside him.) 

**Ashley:** No use. He's gone. 

**Callo:** Agent Riot, look! 

(A strange glow seems to emanate from the body, and rises slowly before disappearing.) 

**Callo:** What was that? A spirit? 

(Ashley and Callo, still staring at the point where the glow vanished, don't immediately notice that the body behind them is moving, until it rises to its feet with a groan.) 

**Ashley:** What in the world...? 

**Callo:** It's true! The dead do walk within the bounds of Leá Monde! 

(Ashley dispatches the zombie, and they warily go deeper into the city. Callo begins to sing.) 

**Callo:**    In the broken city     If a man should fall     In these halls     Then his corpse will rise     No matter how or when he dies 

**Callo & Ashley:**    There's a curse... 

**Ghostly Chorus:**    Here within the Müllenkamp base 

**Callo & Ashley:**    There's a curse... 

**Ghostly Chorus:**    Spirits wear their victim's face 

**Callo & Ashley:**    There's a curse, curse in the darkness of Leá Monde's walls. 

(Elsewhere, Tieger and Neesa are regarding the undead Grissom with sadness.) 

**Tieger:**    The darkness must run through this city like a prison.     Though our Brother died, here he stands as if arisen     But without life...     But without life... 

(Back to Ashley and Callo, who stand before a large door.) 

**Callo & Ashley:**    There's a curse... 

**Ghostly Chorus:**    Here within the Müllenkamp base 

**Callo & Ashley:**    There's a curse... 

**Ghostly Chorus:**    Spirits wear their victim's face     There's a curse, a curse... 

**Callo & Ashley:**    In the darkness... of Leá Monde's walls. 


	3. Scene Three - The Mind Warp

Vagrant Story Picture Show - Scene Three

**1:57 PM - Duke Bardorba's Secondary Residence - Greylands**

(The Duke is sitting before his desk once again.) 

**Duke:** And so, it seemed that fortune had smiled upon Agents Riot and Merlose, for they would have to face not only ferocious beasts and magical creatures, but also numerous undead creatures on their expedition to find Sydney. 

(He pauses.) 

**Duke:** No, wait a moment - come to think of it, it doesn't seem as though fortune smiled upon them at all. At least, not to me. 

**1:58 PM - Lea Monde Sanctum - Stairway to the Light**

**Callo:** Agent Riot, it's hopeless! We cannot fight the spirits that dwell here! 

**Ashley:** Calm down... I think I saw a child go through this door ahead of us. If a child is safe here, how much more are we? 

(Ashley pushes open the large door, which opens into Town Center West.) 

**Tieger:** Hello. 

(Callo jumps at the sight of Tieger standing directly in their path on the other side of the door. Ashley, however, does not seem bothered.) 

**Ashley:** (to Callo) He doesn't look like a cultist or a ghoul. 

**Callo:** Ashley...! 

(She fails to get Ashley's attention, as Tieger continues to stare at them grimly.) 

**Ashley:** Sir, I am Ashley Riot, and this is Callo Merlose; we are agents of the VKP. We pursue the leader of the Mullenkamp sect, Sydney Losstarot. Might you be able to tell us where he's hidden himself? 

**Tieger:** ...You're unharmed. 

**Callo:** Yes - Ashley is a Riskbreaker, trained to survive the most unfriendly situations. 

**Ashley:** Yes. 

**Tieger:** Yes... Why don't you both come up into the light? 

(He turns to lead them up into Rue Vermillion, and Callo grabs Ashley's arm to get his attention.) 

**Callo:** (whispering) That man is Tieger, a general of the Crimson Blades! We dare not trust him. 

**Ashley:** (in a low voice) We don't know why the Blades intervened at the Duke's Manor, Agent Merlose - it may be that we have the same objective. Perhaps he will aid us. 

**Callo:** (whispering) I'd place no wagers on it... 

**Tieger:** This way. 

(Tieger leads them through Town Center West to a door, and invites them to enter. Now in the City Walls South, they follow him through room after room, and the faint sound of growls and evil cackling can be heard.) 

**Callo:** Why is it that you do not fear the beasts of darkness that dwell here? 

**Tieger:** Why should I fear them? They have no desire to harm me. 

**Callo:** (rubbing her arm where a skeleton bruised her earlier) You're very lucky. 

**Neesa:** He's lucky, you're lucky, I'm lucky, we're all lucky! 

(She jumps down from a pile of crates in a shadowed corner, laughing maniacally, which considerably startles Ashley and Callo.) 

**Callo:** (whispering to Ashley) That's Neesa, another of Guildenstern's generals! She seems very... odd... though. Something is definitely wrong. 

(Tieger turns back to her with a knowing expression.) 

**Tieger:** Is it, Agent Merlose? 

**Callo:** Oh - I apologize for my whispering to my partner. I'm afraid I don't understand what the two of you are doing here. If you are generals of the Blades, why are the two of you here alone? Where are your men? 

**Tieger:** A good question... You see, we serve another master now. 

**Ashley:** Would you care to explain yourself? 

**Tieger:** Of course. 

(The cathedral bells begin to ring, echoing throughout the city, and the music begins.) 

**Tieger:**     It's compulsion...     Sydney's notion...     Magic takes its toll.     We changed allegiance... 

**Neesa:**     ...At the whim of his power... 

**Tieger:**     We're under his control. 

(The music picks up, and Tieger begins to dance around the room, leading them onward into the Keep.) 

**Tieger:**    I remember... having my mind warped...     Helpless... to stop his plan.     And then it just hit me... 

**Tieger & Neesa:**     And his voice started calling... 

(They enter the room called The Warrior's Rest, which is filled with lizardmen and zombies - who begin singing, much to the astonishment of Ashley and Callo.) 

**Monsters:**    Let's do the mind-warp again!     Let's do the mind-warp again! 

(In Duke Bardorba's study, he is standing before a diagram of the human brain. With a pointer, he indicates one lobe.) 

**Duke:**    It's just a charm on the left... 

(Back to the monsters, who begin to dance.) 

**Monsters:**    And then a spell on the right! 

(Back to the Duke.) 

**Duke:**    Thoughts are changed bit by bit... 

(Back to the monsters.) 

**Monsters:**    Till you no longer fight!     It's really quite a rush...     When someone twists your brain -     Let's do the mind-warp again!     Let's do the mind-warp again! 

(Ashley and Callo are still standing there staring at the dancing lizardmen and zombies, and Neesa spins past them, dancing in demented glee.) 

**Neesa:**    It delights me... oh, Guildenstern, bite me!     Now ghouls don't fight me... no, not at all.     With this brand new allegiance... I've got a much better defense.     Demons rush in... at my call! 

**Tieger:**    With a bit of a mind push... 

**Neesa:**    We're totally brainwashed... 

**Tieger:**    Our lifestyle... will never be the same. 

**Neesa:**    We're spaced out by compulsion... 

**Tieger:**    We're in perfect submission! 

(They dance out among the monsters.) 

**Monsters:**    Let's do the mind-warp again!     Let's do the mind-warp again! 

(Tieger and Neesa dance over to a treasure chest, atop which Samantha sits, wearing a glittery gold hat and looking insanely happy.) 

**Samantha:**    Well I was walking through the town, not a-having a care     When this Losstarot guy gave me a real big scare     He cast a spell, he took me by surprise     And with a creepy stare, looked into my eyes.     He spellbound me, and I felt a change.     Romeo forgotten, I was free again! 

**Monsters:**    Let's do the mind-warp again!     Let's do the mind-warp again! 

(Ashley and Callo are just standing there with jaws dropped, staring. Cut back and forth between the Duke's study and the dancing monsters.) 

**Duke:**    It's just a charm on the left... 

**Monsters:**    And then a spell on the right! 

**Duke:**    Thoughts are changed bit by bit... 

**Monsters:**    Till you no longer fight!     It's really quite a rush...     When someone twists your brain -     Let's do the mind-warp again!     Let's do the mind-warp again! 

(Samantha squeals and jumps down from the treasure chest, beginning to tapdance merrily. She starts spinning in circles, and crashes into a bunch of stacked crates, knocking them down on top of herself.) 

**Monsters:**    Let's do the mind-warp again!     Let's do the mind-warp again! 

(Cut back and forth between the Duke's study and the dancing monsters, again. The Duke is now dancing atop his desk.) 

**Duke:**    It's just a charm on the left! 

**Monsters:**    And then a spell on the right! 

**Duke:**    Thoughts are changed bit by bit... 

**Monsters:**    Till you no longer fight!     It's really quite a rush...     When someone twists your brain -     Let's do the mind-warp again! 

(The Duke is atop his desk, wiggling his hips.) 

**Random audience members:** No one needed to see that, thank you! 

**Monsters:**    Let's do the mind-warp again! 

(The zombies and lizardmen collapse on the floor - most of the zombies falling apart - and Ashley and Callo are left gaping at them.) 


	4. Scene Four - Pretty Prophet

Vagrant Story Picture Show - Scene Four

(Ashley and Callo remain staring at the exhausted lizardmen and zombies scattered around the floor of The Warrior's Rest in stunned disbelief for a moment, until Callo finally breaks the silence.) 

**Callo:** Agent Riot... what should we do? 

(Ashley hesitates, thinking.) 

**Ashley:** ...We still need to find out where Sydney is. 

**Callo:** Thank goodness you're taking this seriously. Let's get out of here! 

**Ashley:** Why should we? They don't seem hostile... for some reason. And if anyone knows where Sydney is, it's probably this lot. 

**Callo:** I suppose, but... compulsion? Dancing zombies? This just isn't right, Agent Riot. That girl, Samantha... she was Guildenstern's lover! If Sydney can turn even her to his side, what more could he do to us? 

**Ashley:** What other choice do we have? A Riskbreaker does not abandon his mission, no matter how hopeless it seems. Look - I'll go speak with Tieger and Neesa myself, and see if I can determine- 

**Callo:** Agent Riot! 

(Unnoticed by the two of them until Callo's exclamation, a cloudstone has descended behind them. Upon the cloudstone stands Sydney Losstarot, enfolded within a dark cloak.) 

**Sydney:**   
    How do you do? I...   
    See you've found my...   
    Blades, whom I've compelled.   
    They're just a little surprised   
    Because when you arrived   
    They thought I'd brainwashed you as well. 

(Giving Ashley and Callo a knowing look, he turns and stalks off through the midst of zombies and lizardmen, who rise and bow to him.) 

**Sydney:**   
    Don't be upset by the way this looks -   
    You two have nothing to fear.   
    I'm naught but a rogue in the church's eyes   
    But in truth, I'm one hell of a seer. 

(He throws off the cloak, revealing that he's wearing a black leather and lace bodice, fishnets, high heels, and black hot pants that cover about as much in front as his regular - if such a word could be used - outfit. He begins preening seductively, which makes Callo go bug-eyed. Ashley doesn't seem to care.) 

**Sydney:**   
    I'm just a pretty prophet...   
    From a priesthood of... ancient Kiltia! 

(He steps up to Ashley, smiling a charming smile.) 

**Sydney:**   
    Let me show you the truth -   
    I'll even give you some proof,   
    Riskbreaker - or are you too frightened?   
    For I can show you some visions   
    With perfect precision.   
    You will not be harmed, merely... enlightened. 

(Ashley doesn't so much blink at Sydney's words.) 

**Ashley:**   
    Enough of this babble -   
    Now get rid of this rabble.   
    Or must I destroy all your minions? 

**Callo:** (eying the zombies and ghouls warily) It might be a good idea... 

**Ashley:**   
    I'll just apprehend you,   
    Then go back to HQ.   
    I don't need to hear your opinions. 

**Sydney:**   
    Why, Agent Riot, so cold! If I may be so bold,   
    Your business-like tone makes me worry.   
    Your body and heart seem to be set apart,   
    Like a child from the knight in his story. 

    I'm just a pretty prophet...   
    From a priesthood of... ancient Kiltia! 

(Sydney makes his way back through the crowd and climbs up to perch atop the statue in the corner, peering down at Ashley and Callo with a sly smile.) 

**Sydney:**   
    Is this a Riskbreaker's lot...? 

(Tieger pops out from behind the statue, startling Callo.) 

**Tieger:** Lot. 

**Sydney:**   
    ...Or part of a plot... 

(Samantha pops out on the other side with a manic grin.) 

**Samantha:** Plot! 

**Sydney:**   
    ...That the VKP long has kept hidden?   
    If you show me your soul   
    Perhaps I'll make you whole   
    Remembering things long... 

(Sydney rises to his feet seductively.) 

**Sydney:**   
    ...forbidden. 

(Leaping down from the top of the statue, he swings his hips rather suggestively in time with the music.) 

**Sydney:**   
    I'm just a pretty prophet...   
    From a priesthood of... ancient Kiltia!   
    I'm just a pretty prophet... 

(The generals all begin dancing around him.) 

**Generals:**   
    Pretty prophet... 

**Sydney:**   
    From a priesthood of.... 

**All:**   
    Ancient Kiltia! 

(Sydney stalks back through the crowd assembled in the courtyard and steps onto the cloudstone upon which he entered, looking down at Ashley and Callo with a smug grin.) 

**Sydney:**   
    So, come up to the temple,   
    And I'll give you a sample.   
    I see that you are beginning to... 

(Sydney pauses dramatically, and Callo leans forward, curious. Sydney smirks, until he notices Ashley fingering the hilt of Fandango rather impatiently.) 

**Sydney:**   
    ...Wonder. 

(Ashley nods grimly.) 

**Sydney:**   
    But though I'm not to blame,   
    This is my game.   
    So I shall play the hart... 

(Sydney pauses dramatically again, then chuckles.) 

**Sydney:**   
    ...And you the hunter. 

(The cloudstone begins to rise, and Sydney is lost from view amidst the applause of the zombies and lizardmen, while Callo stares after him in astonishment. Ashley, as usual, doesn't seem impressed.) 

**Callo:** This is by far the oddest case I've ever investigated. 

**Ashley:** You're telling me. 


End file.
